Glennon Doyle. Damn You.
My therapist recommended Glennon Doyle's Love Warrior, so I've binge listened to it. Tis' like an addiction, all it's own, self-help books on Audible, living in my head to escape being in my body by imagining what it's like to be in her head. Curiously analyzing the comedic self-deprecation persona she has created to, not just move through life, but ya know, also make millions of dollars and a career for herself.
And yet, I buy it all. I don't just buy it all, I believe it all. It's truth and real for me too. I believe in her relationship with God. It reminds me of my countless al-anon meetings, it reminds me of what I've found at my second rock bottom in life, my eviction notice glaring me in the face. I don't have a family, or even a career, or a creative practice, but I held roles, grasped onto identities I was indoctrinated into from a young age, and have avoided traumas and pain through a myriad of different coping mechanisms available to me. I've been a doer, doing, never just be-ing.
I love how she talks about the pain. Going through and not bypassing. I love how she has self-compassion for embracing all the pain instead of running after joy. I love how she respects her husband for sticking through it, sticking with the shit, and not running away.
I love Glennon's quirky little adorable personality. It's clear she's learned how to be cute, loved, and admired, and knows how to fill that space very quickly. I know that trick, that way of being and appearing and getting the right laughs and admiration. It's almost an unseen manipulation, as it courses so naturally through her personality and into the room of a speech she is giving or given, because of course, I had to watch all her youtube videos, too.
Oh, Glennon Doyle, the irony is that at your second "rock bottom" you didn't lose what you thought you might lose. You didn't lose your career, or your husband, or anything. You were able to turn it all into something new. And, you did so very freakin' quickly I might add. Where was the prolonged grief? The nights crying? Where was the real loss? Change and metamorphosis happened, but not everyone has that on such a quick turnaround timeline.
I'm still in the grief, the heartache, the pain. My bathroom floor walks around with me. There's no sexy pinnacle moment of transformative clarity.
My X would take Glennon's perspective with regards to her marriage, "We were healing partners. Meant for just that chapter." And I would say, "Go to fucking hell. You stole the family we had, the future family I know can't have, shattered my heart, my soul, and my understanding of reality, my trust for myself and in everything I dreamed of." Then he would say, "It's your perspective and attitude that needs to change. You're keeping all those things from your self. Be love and light." And I'd say, "You have no fucking idea how much I loved. This pain is all that and more." And then he'd say something like, "Well, like I said, you need to love yourself." And then I'd say, "YOU'RE THE ONE WHO DIDN'T LOVE ME YOU FUCKING, LIAR. YOU WERE OUT OF INTEGRITY. I ALWAYS LOVED ME. I SENSED YOUR LIE THROUGH MY WHOLE FUCKING BODY, BEFORE YOU DID. I DID THE EMOTIONAL WORK FOR THE BOTH OF US. WHY THE FUCK CAN'T YOU SEE IT FROM ANY PERSPECTIVE OTHER THAN YOUR OWN NARCASSITIC VIEW OF REALITY?!"
The real grief, the real loss, the real pain, stem because I was actually there, authentically showing up the best I knew how loving with every. single. fiber.
You didn't let intimacy in.
You didn't let love in.
You broke every gift I gave you.
So, Glennon Doyle. Both you and your partner were fucked up, showing up in strange ways, dancing around intimacy, living this weird dance of life.
What if I've always showed up like life is an AA meeting? What if that isn't some life-shattering news? What then?
And yet, I buy it all. I don't just buy it all, I believe it all. It's truth and real for me too. I believe in her relationship with God. It reminds me of my countless al-anon meetings, it reminds me of what I've found at my second rock bottom in life, my eviction notice glaring me in the face. I don't have a family, or even a career, or a creative practice, but I held roles, grasped onto identities I was indoctrinated into from a young age, and have avoided traumas and pain through a myriad of different coping mechanisms available to me. I've been a doer, doing, never just be-ing.
I love how she talks about the pain. Going through and not bypassing. I love how she has self-compassion for embracing all the pain instead of running after joy. I love how she respects her husband for sticking through it, sticking with the shit, and not running away.
I love Glennon's quirky little adorable personality. It's clear she's learned how to be cute, loved, and admired, and knows how to fill that space very quickly. I know that trick, that way of being and appearing and getting the right laughs and admiration. It's almost an unseen manipulation, as it courses so naturally through her personality and into the room of a speech she is giving or given, because of course, I had to watch all her youtube videos, too.
Oh, Glennon Doyle, the irony is that at your second "rock bottom" you didn't lose what you thought you might lose. You didn't lose your career, or your husband, or anything. You were able to turn it all into something new. And, you did so very freakin' quickly I might add. Where was the prolonged grief? The nights crying? Where was the real loss? Change and metamorphosis happened, but not everyone has that on such a quick turnaround timeline.
I'm still in the grief, the heartache, the pain. My bathroom floor walks around with me. There's no sexy pinnacle moment of transformative clarity.
My X would take Glennon's perspective with regards to her marriage, "We were healing partners. Meant for just that chapter." And I would say, "Go to fucking hell. You stole the family we had, the future family I know can't have, shattered my heart, my soul, and my understanding of reality, my trust for myself and in everything I dreamed of." Then he would say, "It's your perspective and attitude that needs to change. You're keeping all those things from your self. Be love and light." And I'd say, "You have no fucking idea how much I loved. This pain is all that and more." And then he'd say something like, "Well, like I said, you need to love yourself." And then I'd say, "YOU'RE THE ONE WHO DIDN'T LOVE ME YOU FUCKING, LIAR. YOU WERE OUT OF INTEGRITY. I ALWAYS LOVED ME. I SENSED YOUR LIE THROUGH MY WHOLE FUCKING BODY, BEFORE YOU DID. I DID THE EMOTIONAL WORK FOR THE BOTH OF US. WHY THE FUCK CAN'T YOU SEE IT FROM ANY PERSPECTIVE OTHER THAN YOUR OWN NARCASSITIC VIEW OF REALITY?!"
The real grief, the real loss, the real pain, stem because I was actually there, authentically showing up the best I knew how loving with every. single. fiber.
You didn't let intimacy in.
You didn't let love in.
You broke every gift I gave you.
So, Glennon Doyle. Both you and your partner were fucked up, showing up in strange ways, dancing around intimacy, living this weird dance of life.
What if I've always showed up like life is an AA meeting? What if that isn't some life-shattering news? What then?
Comments
Post a Comment