"You Operate Out of a Place of Fear, Not Love"

Hi friend,

Long time no see. I hope you're well! I've been doing okay. I'm finally moving out of my house and downsizing. I've been looking for jobs for 7 months now, pretty tiring, but I have some more interviews coming up.

I was having a really beautiful morning - walked my dog in the snow, did some art, made a healthy breakfast, a to-do list for the week, and was feeling top-notch. 

I sat down to do some work and was in the zone, just writing, and got a text from some girlfriends. I've been in general feeling really lonely, and it has been hard for me not always being included - I have a lot of abandonment trauma coming up, from the littlest things, and my adult brain knows that is exactly what is happening, that no one is intentionally abandoning me and excluding me, but every little inconsistency, every event when I am forgotten, is just scaring me... "When does it become permanent? When will it all suddenly be stripped away?"

I'm always on the lookout, subconsciously for signs, if someone says they love me how true can it be? It might not be true, they might just leave. It feels awful, it's destabilizing.

I had a girlfriend over last night who I love very much. A small dinner party. Lots of things are going well in her life and she's happy. She said we should climb sometime this week. I was over joyous. Another mutual girlfriend texted me that she had plans to climb with the friend who had come over and that I should join.... The fact that the first girlfriend had been sitting next to me and hadn't mentioned it made me feel confused. Why had she said she wanted to climb but not invited me then? Was it true? Is she just saying things? My adult brain knows my reaction is almost borderline immature, insecure, and negative. My adult brain also has compassion for the part of me that feels unwhole, abandoned, and terrified of whatever are people claiming to "love" me really mean  - what are their real intentions? It's like "love" is now simultaneously linked with "fear," and then I spiral harder because I hear his voice ringing in my ears when he abandoned me, "You operate out of a place of fear and not love."

And within five minutes I'm in a ball on my floor, crying.

On the same floor, he left me in a ball, crying.

It takes no more than three minutes to go from "This day is going to be awesome and I'M AWESOME" to "Dying is not a crazy idea why is this so horrifically painful - I don't know what is true and what is not true. Why is everything so confusing. This is not an okay way to live. Is my will in order? Check. How can I get out of this..."

And then I cry really hard and wonder how I turned 30 and am selling everything I own unable to get a job wondering what the fuck to do and wondering why almost a year later I'm still on the same floor, feeling as confused as I did as before.

And now about thirty minutes later my head does not hurt as bad, I've had a glass of water. And I actually think I can do some work and go about my day.

What type of weird depression is that? Is that just grief? Triggered by grief? Is it related to my pituitary tumor and a release of hormones? I feel like a totally crazy person, perfectly fine one moment, on the floor in agony the next, and then back to "normal" typing away on my computer. 

Should I try antidepressants? I feel like the best antidepressant would just be some income!